The Abditory Blog

I am not sure how and why I always always go back, when I am hella clear about myself, it takes me usually getting rejected by the person I rejected atleast for 2-3 months, until they stop contacting me, and seeing me, for me to move forward. Only with aakash I was able to move forward, and maybe because it was because I had entered another relationship already. Recently I have been thinking, if I should have just gone with josh. I look back at one of the entries on this google blogger, and realize how much we were compatible, because he really was able to say and communicate his feelings really well, but def I don't even know him anymore in today's reality to go back.  I am not able to really look into the future, actually I never really have been able to, I am scared, I am nervous, will I not be here for long, will I pass away before I can have a happy family, and watch my kids grow, because currently I cannot see that happen in the future at all. It's so sad, because I f...

Ask away anything, and the answer will result in blame. As young adults who are always curious about mindfulness, mental health, and reflections even more so in the 21st century, we take a deep dive into our past at a youthful age more often than any of our previous generations did. It wouldn't be wrong to say that we all feel guilt to a certain extent for the acts we performed in our prior years toward our parents. It's always an intense emotional experience thinking about why we were parented in a certain way. The could have's, why not's, and critical expectations quite overpower our ability to look through the simplicity of this relationship. In a frank manner, not all people are blessed with a healthy relationship with both parents, we also grow up with differences in attachment styles, unresolved trauma, a need, and almost indescribable feelings. For the longest time, we hold those grudges, or build up our walls, with one question lingering "WHY" & so...

If you ever find this, I want you to know that I lived my life to the fullest, I do even now, wherever I am. I am not the relationships I that I was born into, and I am not the relationships that self impose themselves on me, expect me to conform to the norms of their inexplicable needs in the name of family. For far too long, I had given in, reducing myself, begging for acceptance, over extending in the name of love.  Is it wrong, to ask for a phone call of care, I guess heartbroken, even by the ones she called her own. Is it wrong to ask for a gratitude for effort that took away nights of sleep, and stress that brought in discomfort, even to smile, is it too much really, to ask for respect in return for a voice that screams to open up their doors towards opportunity, altruistic, but they don't see. In the name of love, I think I went far far away, and opened doors to welcome shame, arguments, to be cast away, like a shadow of disgrace. This lad doesn't claim, all knowing and ...

Around march 28th I decided to end my almost 2 year relationship. It's been 12 weeks. I've been in Armenia for 2 now. For the last 12 weeks I have been trying to fix the past. Rewrite my story, reconcile. It's a lot to sit with, shame, guilt, what went wrong, trying to fix everything, feeling rejected by the family I had known for the whole of two years. You know when my mom was always angry and upset, frustrated, pressured, and unbearably independent, I wonder if that was her all the time, I mean that's the only person I have known, that's the identity I resonate with, if you told me my mother was once a shy girl, who wouldn't speak a word, I would deny that.  It makes me question the fact that the person you're with, sometimes really does play a role in bringing out a version in you that you didn't even know you had, to begin with. I started therapy in my 4th or 6th week, because my entire body was screaming for help, my heart racing as if it was tryin...

When you first came on June 9th 2023, to surprise me, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was waiting for someone who saw me, for me. Chaotic, very frank, could often be mistaken for rude, too caring and emotional, hyper sensitive, late everywhere, alive, full of ideas, the justice advocate, trying to understand her self amidst the situations life had put her in.  You on the other hand, patient, quiet, hardworking, so romantic, kind, caring, absolutely comfortable, my safe space, generous, creative (esp with the fun date nights, even on long distance phone calls), adaptable to almost every plan, so innocent, and raw, handsome, your chest was my fav place to rest on, I am sitting here in Yerevan, time 11:43 AM right after our morning call, recalling these details, and honestly I think distance does make the heart grow fonder and in this case, reliving those memories, makes me a bit sad and also happy to know that I had you in my life.  It's no surprise that I feel...

 Begin with the interior, because things are about to get really messy. It all goes into the grave, your life. It’s scary - death. Not the death itself, it’s scary that will we be able to do everything we want to before that. Will be satisfied with this life to let go? Will our family be okay when we’re gone? Life - is full of uncertainties, life views/philosophy. 3 days have passed by, I have not stepped out of my house. I don’t know who to talk to exactly when it comes to what I am feeling or why am I feeling the way I am, it’s weird this phase of life, trying to figure everything out for ourselves. I feel the need to be productive so I distanced myself from all social interactions, only to feel very confused about life at 10:21 pm wondering if I am making the right decisions. I have been working the last three days, but the days feel short. Not sure why, they just feel like they disappear so quickly, am I getting trapped by time? Am I making myself a prisoner? I am not sure yet....