Ask away anything, and the answer will result in blame. As young adults who are always curious about mindfulness, mental health, and reflections even more so in the 21st century, we take a deep dive into our past at a youthful age more often than any of our previous generations did. It wouldn't be wrong to say that we all feel guilt to a certain extent for the acts we performed in our prior years toward our parents. It's always an intense emotional experience thinking about why we were parented in a certain way. The could have's, why not's, and critical expectations quite overpower our ability to look through the simplicity of this relationship.
In a frank manner, not all people are blessed with a healthy relationship with both parents, we also grow up with differences in attachment styles, unresolved trauma, a need, and almost indescribable feelings. For the longest time, we hold those grudges, or build up our walls, with one question lingering "WHY" & sometimes "Why me"
For years I can say from my personal journey, I wanted a savior, wondering when my hero would appear to take me out of this communication and bonding misery. ...And while writing letters to James Bond does not seem to be very far from therapy, it might not help to look from a different perspective.
An epiphany may as well be the reason I am writing this article or a recent striking conversation of an emotional dump. Whatever it was, it led to some unexpected answers that raises my empathy meters and allows me for tapping into another layer of this multi-dimensional relationship we share as individuals. To understand this, our base needs to be built with a strong layer of self-worth and awareness, and communication using the "I feel" language needs to be implemented. It has to be an open vulnerability, to express, but to understand. The main aim needs to be to find a solution through the pain, through the wounds caused by them, for them.
In a particular session with my father, I expressed my deep emotional needs, and what I felt, having no accusatory tones, maybe for one or two instances, but what that brought out was a vulnerability from him. For a moment there, a confession of dealing with trauma himself, or the inability to provide was made. For the first time in all years of my existence, I felt a part of me that existed unattached to him as a relative, but rather from a place of empathy and sympathy for his suffering.
At that moment, more than just a conversation happened. An understanding occurred. It may as well be that we are born in houses that come from all sorts of backgrounds, but as humans, we are born in those to learn the basics of communication through those relationships and grow up to have individual identities, especially after adulting that see our parents as individual beings who are allowed to make mistakes, go through the journey of life with as much freedom and comfort they would like to. Our jobs might have an ever-revolving purpose of growing with these individuals.
In an instant, my entire perception of the man in my house changed. From an uncaring, non providing father to an individual that deserves to be better, supported, loved, and understood. We may not always be the people that can help these individuals we are birthed out of, but I reckon, we should try to forgive, let go, and find solutions that can help them but not without making sure we're also alright first. They are just other humans on this earth trying to live as much as we are.
My idea does not revolve around just acceptance and doing the same routine again just because one has understood where the parent comes from, but it does revolve around finding your firm ground and recognizing ourself as an individual separate in building our lives. We have the power to unlearn, relearn change our lives, thought processes, and manners.
Do not blame, forgive and move forward.
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