Around march 28th I decided to end my almost 2 year relationship. It's been 12 weeks. I've been in Armenia for 2 now. For the last 12 weeks I have been trying to fix the past. Rewrite my story, reconcile. It's a lot to sit with, shame, guilt, what went wrong, trying to fix everything, feeling rejected by the family I had known for the whole of two years. You know when my mom was always angry and upset, frustrated, pressured, and unbearably independent, I wonder if that was her all the time, I mean that's the only person I have known, that's the identity I resonate with, if you told me my mother was once a shy girl, who wouldn't speak a word, I would deny that.
It makes me question the fact that the person you're with, sometimes really does play a role in bringing out a version in you that you didn't even know you had, to begin with. I started therapy in my 4th or 6th week, because my entire body was screaming for help, my heart racing as if it was trying to go to the finish line of life, I was crying hysterically, for the whole week I hadn't eaten anything much, I don't think I've ever felt like that ever, I wanted to end life, because the pain I was feeling was so overwhelmingly deep that I couldn't understand, why did I push myself to be with this person so much, what did I do and why did I do it... All the yelling, the breakdowns, the screeching pain of exhausting myself into persuasion for the whole year, for someone who didn't even bother to learn about me, the effort he put in was to fulfill his wishes, the valentines set up, the dates, he wanted that. He didn't care what I was going through, he wanted to have a relationship with a girl which he never did, and saw that as a way to fulfill. He didn't care that I was under trauma, or stress, or that I didn't have a house, why else would he bring LOLA to the house and call his sibling without even informing the person living in the house with him at the time even once. I was with a person who WAS SELFISH. Selfish for the love he wanted, not the one he wanted to understand.
I am not saying that I became that person because of him, I am saying I became that person, because I was in another situation that seemed like I couldn't get out of, I was trying to prove myself. That I can handle it, that I was capable of love. I guess the after effects of your parents divorce really adds up huh. I didn't have understanding, I didn't have clarity, I didn't know how to channel it, and what's worse, I had a partner that didn't even want to understand me. He was constantly defending his ego, using ways of gaslighting me to my breakdowns, which he never once accepted were because of anything he said or did. "IT WAS ME" I was the one causing everything. He chose me, to play "girlfriend" "boyfriend" without having any emotional maturity of being in a mature relationship, and today on June 12th, I have a significant shift. I am writing this down, because I don't want to oscillate anymore. I want to rid myself of the guilt, I want to forgive myself for being so hard on me. For constantly doubting everything. I am over it. I don't want to go back. I don't want to be with a man who is dependent, immature, and wants his daddys permission to make a family, can't defend his partner, and expects to have husband treatment while being constantly unsure of me.
I didn't love him any less, I put effort everyday, constantly, bringing relationship checkins, trying to tell him what he could do right, tried asking him of his expectations of me. I wrote stuff down, I was trying to learn about us every single day, while being in the deep hole alone, no wonder I constantly felt like I was carrying the emotional and mental weight of keeping the boat steady, the man was punching holes constantly letting the water come in, and telling me, I was the one causing it. The other day I called him, he said "I silently defended you when you said those words to me", defend me? from who, from what? I don't think I understand it. I loved him, I accepted his family, I tried to keep them together, and in return I got criticism, what if's and constant weight of transactions - you have a freelance, my son doesn't? Are you serious sir? and guess what, it wasn't long before joe said those same exact words, what a parrot, who didn't even understand or acknowledge the weight of his fathers effect on him. So fluid, that he doesn't even have a mind of his own, and neither does he want one. I saw the effort he put into his self development or reflection, NONE, and now after our breakup, or just a few days before, he's been drowning in pickle ball to avoid tough emotions, while his parents encourage it. They are adults who quite shockingly are raising a nincompoop who knows how to be kind and genuine, that's what they are proud of. Well I wish I was more kind, but I'd never want to be a nincompoop.
While I end this piece of my heart, I feel lighter, more relived, and I hope I don't forget this.
I take my power back. This is my clarity.
I forgive myself for the years I stayed. I forgive myself for all the ways I begged for love from people who didn’t know how to give it. I forgive myself for confusing effort with worth. I forgive myself for every moment I thought I wasn’t enough. I was always enough. I just didn’t know it yet.
Today, I see it. I name it. And I walk forward — lighter, wiser, and no longer waiting for someone else to recognize my value. I’m not chasing peace anymore. I am the peace.
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