An emotional war, capsuled in time.

If you ever find this, I want you to know that I lived my life to the fullest, I do even now, wherever I am. I am not the relationships I that I was born into, and I am not the relationships that self impose themselves on me, expect me to conform to the norms of their inexplicable needs in the name of family. For far too long, I had given in, reducing myself, begging for acceptance, over extending in the name of love. 

Is it wrong, to ask for a phone call of care, I guess heartbroken, even by the ones she called her own. Is it wrong to ask for a gratitude for effort that took away nights of sleep, and stress that brought in discomfort, even to smile, is it too much really, to ask for respect in return for a voice that screams to open up their doors towards opportunity, altruistic, but they don't see. In the name of love, I think I went far far away, and opened doors to welcome shame, arguments, to be cast away, like a shadow of disgrace. This lad doesn't claim, all knowing and all loving traits, it asks for physical, emotional, spiritual, love, and longing and acceptance, and loving critical embrace, asking for space to correct the imbalance in her identity, caused by situations that broke her. Here she is picking up the pieces, building her understanding, of the world and herself in the world, alone, "creating" false faith, in her head, waiting for comfort and solace. Little does she know, the people she chose to live for even in her dying moments, don't choose her, over themselves. Love can be hard, and can be selfish, their glasses so full of their own ties, that they forget to see, how one can be entangled in knots, that bind them into a spell of complete misguide, so frugal that they may never see eye to eye. 

I guess, everything is conditional, here. 

I never once said, I have no ties, I just long to be in ties with the destined guys. 

I say yet again, I am not the relationships that bring romantic butterflies, always unsure, of me alright. Why do I be compromised, when the timing wasn't right. I sound like a victim in disguise, but if you hear my story in real time, you'll see the fairness of life go past me every time. 

They say love goes through trial and error, and for me, fleeting time from life, that sees me as a case study for the world of lovers to learn by. Is my heart not worthy? Is my time not precious? Do I not deserve closeness unlike any other, oh to feel lonely in a room of life, must be a crime I must have committed a long time. 

I know......."not" believe in god I say, quoting carl jung, but I don't feel his presence, I feel love in bursts, and pain in constance, in my time. I know nothing in whole, nothing in sure, but in conflict, I endure. Oh how lucky are those, who feel clarity and peace, for those are the things I long for, in my minds sea. How bizzare I say these things, while I hide behind the loud facades of knowledge, wiseness, independence, creating an illusion like a spy. 

An emotional war, capsuled in time.