I am not sure how and why I always always go back, when I am hella clear about myself, it takes me usually getting rejected by the person I rejected atleast for 2-3 months, until they stop contacting me, and seeing me, for me to move forward. Only with aakash I was able to move forward, and maybe because it was because I had entered another relationship already. Recently I have been thinking, if I should have just gone with josh. I look back at one of the entries on this google blogger, and realize how much we were compatible, because he really was able to say and communicate his feelings really well, but def I don't even know him anymore in today's reality to go back.
I am not able to really look into the future, actually I never really have been able to, I am scared, I am nervous, will I not be here for long, will I pass away before I can have a happy family, and watch my kids grow, because currently I cannot see that happen in the future at all. It's so sad, because I feel, with a partner atleast you know how your life will look like, but I think as soon as I have lost my partner, my life ahead doesn't even look like it's there. I mean I know, everything gets better... slowly, and surely, but I just am unable to see it. I feel lost, like in a void, I am having such a hard time letting go, even though I wish we could give it one last try, but you know what, why should I. I am also someone, I am capable, strong, and smart too, look at that asswhole joe, the minute he found pickle ball, and a little bit of self confidence, he's out, that's not the kind of partner I want anyway. He was drowning with obsession when he was with me, wasn't able to balance his own life, and then felt like he needed himself, and left, is that really my fault? He did nothing to keep the relationship, except really give false promises, I don't know how many times I would go over this now, I am already dreading the next couple months, that's why I wanted to get into another relationship, because I just want to forget this guy. God is really testing the damn limits with me, making me feel completely abandoned, the kind of tests he's putting me through, gosh I really don't want this anymore. I just want to be.
I can't believe in a week, I'll be 27. HOLY MOLY twenty seven. That's a BIG BIG NUMBER, and I don't see a future. Until yesterday I was seeing a future with joe, and today I can't see anything ahead, I think this is why I really am falling, I need to create a new future, not just the present, I need to see purpose in my life ahead, I have just been so fogged up with the vision of having the perfect dream home, with my partner, having kids with my partner, having a wedding, that I cannot even fathom this loss....maybe that's what it is.
I need to plan for a future without a man and a family in my life, because every time I plan with them, it just goes off. Is that life? To plan without them seems so bizzare to me, but I guess that's it, because when I think about it, I keep thinking of building this hypothetical life with my partner, who's going to help me, who's going to be there for me as well, and I am tired of everything so I am waiting to share this burden of life, and so when I look at it in this perspective, honestly it binds me emotionally to whoever enters my life.
But I guess, that's why men have it a bit easier, esp because a woman doesn't change their life, they just don't see a plan with her in it, they just plan for themselves, but women are taught to see a future with a man? is that it.
I wonder what my life's vision was when I was a bit younger, I kept thinking I want to build a company, I want to grow, I want to become better, for who? for me, I guess I am just a bit tired, I just know that if I can find someone, our power would be double, and currently it feels a bit too heavy, how do I make it lighter. I mean I genuinely have already made it a lot lighter already, having a house help, knowing what groceries I want to buy, man even home care, I have made it better. I think I am capable but I need to show myself the way again, that vision again, I want to draw up another vision board, this one stronger, this one with me being in the center of it all, with or without a "family" a "partner". Love stories are fantastic, but until when, I guess that's the difference. Rich men chase behind the vision, the power, the money, they don't really care about their kids, and family, because that's just a side effect, I am unsure if these are the right words, but women, they are taught to dream about raising children, this is imbibed into their future.
I know that they say when women get older, they get too rigid in their ways to really blend into someone else's life, but you know what it's not about getting rigid, it's about purpose, knowing what I want, and just because a guy can't handle that, I can't change myself for him anymore. I am willing to do things for the right person, but not anyone and everyone.
I actually love this house, and the peace that comes with it, I know it's a little bit depressing sometimes, when you come from a house full of people, but you know in this quiet, lies my whole entire identity, from every book, to bedsheet, to curtain, it's all me. It's a huge part of me, I am able to sit down, with absolute peace and read and write with joy. I can do anything in this world, that I want to, here, I am forming my own identity and shaping it through the walls of this house. It's wonderful. It really is, this is wonderful, and so will my time with a partner if there shall be one, be.
I am going to move forward in my own stride, and vision, and see what the future really holds for me.
Let's move with a vision for me in mind, by me.
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