The Abditory Blog

21st April 2022, after taking almost the 50th video of her crying for the very same reason she drinks a sip of water. She looks at her old photos, her younger self from Snapchat, and feels absolute sympathy and empathy for that person. While typing this blog her tears roll out, she feels guilty for not being there, for not understanding, for being unkind to herself throughout, for being angry. She had all the reasons to be.  She's been all over the place this past week, her routine messed up, her sleep schedule in a dilly dally, her exhausted self trying to build the blocks that are going to get her away from here almost like on a magic carpet, like a dream. She is trying, but she feels so lost, un-guided, she listens to a prayer song on youtube,  "Oh my God!  There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God.  My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love.  I solemnly declare that my life an...

As time goes by, we tend to forget the numerous moments that formed up our lives just like atoms, to describe it to the dot.  Many people form happy memories. Lying flat on the bed, listening to my mum and sister talk about dinner, I look through some old photos from college that I don't recall on a normal day at all. It's beautiful the many uncountable tiny moments you don't expect, but that come up while looking through a few photographs.  Are hormones uncontrollable?  It's 16th October 2021. Khana hai Nitin? Guddi Bhabhi asks. Everyone is seated at the table. I feel comfortable sitting at the brown sofa. I feel very sad. I feel directionless. I feel super lost and super sad. I am back again at not knowing what to do. I don't know if God exists anymore. Because for my entire life I have kept trying to think I am special. Kept trying to think positive but I am finally over all of this. Life sucks. I am at such a saturation point right now. I just want to rant. I ha...

"I don't want this anymore, I am not sure if I want to continue to see each other". Tears rolled down her eyes, she was so tired of it all not working out. For over 2 years she kept trying, trying to find the one, trying to persevere, not give up. Her 3 weeks trip to India made her feel all the love she needed, maybe she was a bit lonely, maybe she was looking for support. Sometimes it's good to have that, it can make all the difference. I feel bad for her.  We make our own destiny, at least that's what she believed. Whenever the decision would be taken by another person, it would leave her devastated, there would be nothing she could do about it. The choice wasn't hers, the decision wasn't hers. No amount of persevering would work.  I would be angry with God too if I was in her shoes. It is unfair, and it is sad. Life has been playing with her since the beginning esp with emotions and close ones. Maybe that's her fate, to not be able to have any love....