21st April 2022, after taking almost the 50th video of her crying for the very same reason she drinks a sip of water. She looks at her old photos, her younger self from Snapchat, and feels absolute sympathy and empathy for that person. While typing this blog her tears roll out, she feels guilty for not being there, for not understanding, for being unkind to herself throughout, for being angry. She had all the reasons to be.
She's been all over the place this past week, her routine messed up, her sleep schedule in a dilly dally, her exhausted self trying to build the blocks that are going to get her away from here almost like on a magic carpet, like a dream. She is trying, but she feels so lost, un-guided, she listens to a prayer song on youtube,
"Oh my God! There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God. My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love. I solemnly declare that my life and death are both for Thee. Verily Thou art incomparable and hast no partner."
God wasn't there, if he was he would have helped her through the period, 2 years is not short. He would have done things differently, if he loved her this deeply, if his love was that pure why did he put her through this, this treacherous path. She fails to understand the reason as no matter the reason it seems incomparable to the pain she has gone through. She feels detached from him, she hadn't listened to any prayers in the past few months, and she doesn't want him anymore. He's only done her harm her entire life. Not one single good thing she can remember anymore. She can think of "everyone but thee", she has lost faith, she believes in herself more. She knows she has to take matters into her own hand. She does not believe the lies.
She's exhausted but she'll work, she's putting herself through so much, but she'll rise. She feels like a Pheonix. She will rise from the ashes. It'll be worth it, she feels. There are cousins & family who think less of her, but she'll show them, she'll be the strongest Pheonix of all. The Strongest. They will all look up to her, they will all end up respecting her for all she is. She doesn't need that, but it is necessary for this to happen.
She is beginning to understand the journey of life. She is learning and knows it's a continuous ongoing process. She will work hard, she knows she has to. She has no one but herself.
It will work, she will earn it, she will be worth it, she will be proud of herself, she is potential, powerful, humble, kind, and unapologetically herself and she will always continue to be.
It will all go thenehasway, the best way for her.
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