The irony of movement

Why do we need to attach meaning to everything, we're two humans, we met in a chapter of life, that had us both playing important roles in each others verses. Why do we try to attach significance, why can't we hold love, value, respect, and connection without complicating it constantly. Why do we have to over think of the 1000 others that will impose or dispose of whatever we are. What is the internal conflict doing here, does it feel that heavy, or are we making it, and why are we? Why aren't we willing to accept warmth, unconditional acceptance, is it that rare.  

Why am I fighting, why do we care, or do we not. Why should I feel pain yet again, again and again, why can't we let there be flow. Bridges are severed, but only the bridge of perspective that was imposed on the author, without proper judgement, it served as a divide. The truth if really be told, is that the day that a relationship already fails to exist is the day the first infidelity takes place... from there on, trust, loyalty, togetherness, promises, everything was broken, with the relationship. That day itself defines as a place that the relationship bears so much weight that the bridge already goes under water. Isn't it a paradox? Because this author while witnessing the same chose to use reconciliation. 

The truth lies in the paradox of the situation. One side, yearning for the love, hoping it will be seen through, that somehow the eyes of the other will be able to see the light, and on the other side lies pure novelty, seeking adventure, new thrills, the aura of fresh energy lurking by the gate, the female touch, and the joy of wanting to move forward. Emotions may or may not have been processed but this is the only way to move as per this side. There is no real companionship left, or the utter seeking of simple love, dopamine is the new chase in the name of rebuilding, and in the name of moving on. Can one really just move on from all emotions, every time they occur, then may not one be left witnessing things all alone, but with different partners? There's certainly a beauty in that too, as I have experienced, however I have also experiences the fullness of life comes with steering through the storm with someone who has seen the seasons inside you? I want to challenge modern day psychology, that promotes letting go and finding new partners, it seems too western, but I would then also have to challenge the east where we're constantly asked to stay no matter. There needs to be a balance. 

The rebuild is happening almost too quickly it seems, this author doesn't know the timeline or capacity of another to process deeper emotions, as she herself is on an extreme of deep emotional internalization, and rumination, she's used to feeling too much, then numbness and then not moving at all because her feelings control most of her life. She happens to see how this could put her life at pause, and even in the ocean when there's a storm, there needs to be movement. She's learning from the sailor of this other boat, and quietly picking up cues herself. She's grateful for the bond they shared, just like every other bond she finds meaning with. She's grieving the loss, which she doesn't fully want to experience, she hopes, but she also lacks faith, given all the situations life has put her through, it's rather tough to be in her shoes, and to feel all that she feels. She's an empath by nature, this world hurts her every day, there's no one to stand by her side and stand up for her, like she does for the ones she loves, and the ones she sees. She wants to explore her potential, but the journey looks rocky. 

The irony of this entire parable is that the author only writes through the lens of the other side, if she were to reflect a bit more deeply, she notices the onset of erasing herself, her companion who she holds dear, sees none besides oneself, it's the learning of only looking after oneself. She fails to recognize that she wasn't seen, she wasn't held, she wasn't provided for, that's not safety, that is not companionship, she doesn't feel lifted, rather she is the one who puts in the emotional work unknowingly for the other court.. She has lost on purpose so that the other team can win, and that isn't a fair play, and it so happens that these efforts are also consistently unnoticed. There's evidence to prove that from the actions taken the office, or even the idea of finding newer homes where starting clean seems great, until there's a mess again. How many times will it repeat? 

Although, starting clean does provide a great journey sometimes, it's worth staying sometimes and weeding through, real growth could be done in each scenario. 

Her illusionary companion seeks to gain admiration, and honor whether through the lies one says to obtain a certain perspective of others, or whether it is the compartmentalization of the feelings of others and on the other hand it is also the mere performance of being helpful or providing safety and security in a relationship as seen, that also may be influenced by the misogyny of where one grows up, in this case, Heliopolis, Cairo. You can witness it time and time again with this gender, as a repeated pattern, and it seems as though it will continue until deeper work takes place, which seems to be a bigger issue, as the learned way of regulation is extreme movement, which also potentially could be damaging to the future. In such a case I wonder if it is in fact necessary to stay in a home where there's safety and unconditional presence offered, the author has read that abandonment issues can only be healed by consistent presence by someone, and she feels it's the same that's necessary to witness real change in someone who might have the urge of pathological lies, forgiveness and acceptance would be healing in this case? Only time will tell whether a cheater remains a cheater, because the urge will not stop, as novelty continues to return at their doorstep. It's a tough choice to be either lonely, or dopamine addicted, believing very confidently that the next time they will fight the urge, but the author has had a fair share of understanding in cases such as this. However, this is the path this sailor chose. 

She wonders of the concept of self respect, and if that could have been something that held her back instead of spending more hours onto her companion, who seems to value her so little, but upon reflection, she realizes, that her giving out love, and hoping to receive it in return is not a defect, she shared real energy into the universe, but it wasn't ready to be accepted, and she won't apologize for loving. She also for a moment looks into the life of her parallel tolerator, she feels awful, as she wasn't respected enough at all, anger is stemming from every corner in their life. 

The author feels grief, knowing that the sailor would be completely different in love, there would be acceptance, romance, an urge to do something nice for the other, and this couldn't happen for her. 

Coming back to the author, she looks back at all the potential partnerships she could have had, and realizes none would be a proper fit, and that one day far away in the future, when she looks back at this chapter, she'd be more than happy it was only meant to be something she smiles at, but she'd make the best no matter what she's given, she always does. 

She sees him progress, and she's beyond happy for him, she feels it very purely, and yet when she reflects a bit more deeply, it's not the life she see's herself living. Competence is not the same as ambition, and while this author doesn't know what or where his ambitions stretch, she knows she won't be a catalyst to yet another passer by who won't choose her, she's burnt her fingers from her past, where she was stripped off everything, vulnerability, her ideas, her worth, her time, her effort, her energy, her money, and her genuine trust. The one she stood side by side betrayed her, while learning everything from her. She knows this sailor has all the ability, but that's his journey to figure out, this time she will stand tall, and guard herself first and foremost.  She's has been a very generous benefactor, and this time she needs to protect herself too. 

She's writing this letter on the 11th day of the fifth month, in the year 2026. 

This author wishes and knows she's going to stumble upon strength, detachment, faith upon the universe, movement and a lot of success.