I don't know what to write about, I am so lost, I have so many things on my mind, like 150 tabs, I want to write about the sunset, and the ocean waves I am listening to, and I want to write on the newly found perspective about my mother, experiencing life for the first time as well, or the "morosis" (extreme stupidity) I continue with in my love life. There are such indulgent things happening, I am maybe thinking of finding a job, in a sector that I haven't worked in before, I am hesitant about renewing my company, with all the visa costs attached with, I am in a dichotomy about the very nature of my relationship with god. I have an urge to give, to volunteer and a form of procrastination that doesn't allow me to move. I have so many ideas, my mind is running, and yet I am here, just back from a 2 week holiday from Srilanka.
I have an inner urge to be left alone, with multiple books, but at the same time, there's a chaos in my heart that longs for connection which leads me on this cellular device, constantly looking to get the next dopamine hit. My life revolves around maintaining the connections I have built, making sure I am updating everyone, even the ones that don't deserve the updates, I don't know why I feel the pressure to follow up, or reach out. It feels heavy. I want to be left alone, but also want to be a part of things. Conflict is in the air. My heart longs to love, but it ends up giving in the wrong directions. The law of attraction says, don't chase, it says let go, but the traumas from my past haunt me so much that they launch me in the direction of what they've been feeding me, abandonment, isolation, grief, pain, humiliation, and conditioned love, it's what feels familiar, it's what feels terrifying, it's what feels fulfilling.
Life would feel joyful to share, but also life would feel so much more pain in it, the constant approval, the constant awareness of the other person, their moods, it would help us grow, and be witnessed, but also make us sacrifice a part of ourselves. While looking through the drive of photos from the past, from all the people loved and who loved me, I found myself in awe of what life is, each one had their own stride. They're all fond memories for the most part, none could ever fit in all my chapters, they were meant to be only a part of. I dream of having a bigger house, with space and calming energy, overlooking the sunsets and nature. Yesterday feels like a moment ago, it's already 6:30 pm on a Sunday now, thursday to now has gone by in almost a total hibernation.
I am a mystery to myself, impulsive, spontaneous it brings in for adventure, but in this particular relationship, it demands conclusiveness, which somehow I don't feel ready for. I need help, I feel like I need some guidance, I entered a bad wave, the second time in my 20's. First was in 2020, and the next in 2025. I am nervous to see what 2030 brings, maybe I should start therapy before it comes. Not sure why I presume the patterns, life is hardly of patterns but rather progress. 2020 was tough I was better equipped in 2025, hardships hit different, but they certainly are teaching me so much more.
Am I actually sitting here in front of my yearly calendar, and on my bed, finally thinking and brainstorming about my life. After all these months of drowning myself in obsession over a neighbour and his drama filled life, that proved to be an escape from my own problems.
This writing has served it's very purpose, it reeks of ADHD, my favorite diagnosis from the past days. It's almost become an excuse for the way my brain thinks, which is perhaps defined as the opposite of linear and typical. There's constant waves and drops of irony, conflict and so many more conversations that form a beautiful symphony of my neuro chemistry.
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