Indelible

Impossible to erase or forget. 

There's a pattern here, a deeper one, as I read more, understand more, I come to face what's been the case always. I have been reading about what love is, psychologically, neurologically and what I come to realize is, it's a bonding chemical that's released when we're exposed to it. I want to believe that I like adlers theory better than freud, but lately with all the experiences I am having, I am believing what a significant impact bonding and psychological symptoms can have in our lives. 

I grew up not getting love and attention from either of my parents, at least in my perceived opinion, of what I expected, in 6th grade, I fell madly in love with a boy, a cousins friend, I would think of him to be my future partner, everything revolved around him, I lived a city apart from him, and would only meet him during the holidays, I wanted to know everything about him, his house, his life, his siblings, what he loved, some would say I was curious, and others crazy, I think it was a way of feeling like he was part of my life, even though he didn't want to be. It was years before I could actually remove him from my obsessive list, or in text book reference, not be in love with him, and this happened, in my late 20's when I met him, during my cousins wedding, we both actually ended up speaking to each other, we spent an afternoon together very unexpectedly, it was in udaipur, oberoi villas, and I realized what a dream it had been of mine, to just be together with him, and it was beautiful, but I had changed, as a person, he had changed, and this person who I had become, was finding a lot of if's and but's in him. The same person who had a crush/been in love with this guy for almost 11 - 13 years. 

The story continues and overlaps, to a date, I then have in 2021, with someone I meet on tinder, he's incredibly handsome, he's strong, everything about him from the first date, is incredibly romantic, he makes a letter on the first date, to invite me out, he's madly interested to meet me, we go out on a couple dates, and this author, once again finds herself in awe, and in love, I say it, because while writing this in 2026, I still remember him awfully fondly, and almost idolize him, care for him, and love him from so far away, our dating period was so short, we didn't even really sleep with each other, but we were there in spirit. 

Presently, I notice myself, slipped again, I can see all the signs and symptoms, it's the same obsession, even more this time, the stimulus, even more, because with the new person, he reciprocated some level of affection and care, the body and the nervous system regulated, I was in a vulnerable position, the hormones even stronger, because we bonded and spent nights sleeping and cuddling next to each other, the body doesn't want to feel the loss. The biological signs are all there, the impulse is still there, this time, the reciprocation every time I reach out is still there, I'm not sure there's anyway of us being together, my mind knows this, but it just is unable to process it, the grief is happening in real time, my body doesn't know how to grieve, it knows how to hold on and obsess, ADHD doesn't make it easier, I haven't forgotten the other two people yet completely, they're also there in the subconscious, maybe shaped my thoughts in love. I know I won't be able to let go no matter how hard I try, no matter if I replace him with someone, because the attachment system has been activated so deeply, and for the first time, this author, recognizes it, because of her understanding in psychology. 

Freud did a great job, understanding this, and explaining it. I do now see the patterns. One part of the strong attachment gets activated when, the other person fulfills a role in my life that my parents couldn't ever give me, I asked my therapist this question the other day, I said to her, why am I at such an unfair position to begin with, I cannot detach because I need the support, and I have no body to give it to me, and when a man comes into my life, with that dominance, control and a bit of authority to take responsibility, I can't get him out of my life, no matter what he says or does to me. It's something that's missing. I do remember reading, that healing can also be when this kind of love is given to someone who's looking for it, therapy does try to help you find it inside yourself, but what a sad thing to do. The truth is, I don't have anyone, and the one person who shows up, leaves such an imprint in my world, that it could be decades before I stop idolizing their image in my life to say it the most practical way, and in the more human way, I would put it across as, I can't stop loving them, because love is psychological in it's core. 

She had to fight / earn to find love from them, there was a push and pull, they made her feel safe, and seen for a certain amount of time, they were masculine, enough to hold her, something she never got in her life. 

This author has strong impulses, low self control, and also lower self respect atleast when she loves, her ego, her guard is entirely down. It's something she is trying to learn to become better at. She doesn't know what to do, but she knows, somewhere deep inside she just hopes to be loved one day the way she would like to be loved, from the person she wants to be loved by. 

The last person she's madly in love with, is someone who lives a door apart from her, and she isn't able to let go, and fears it might be years before she does. 

The healing might be to feel the grief that she isn't allowing herself to feel, because she's not letting their image go in her head, she hasn't allowed it to happen, because she feels threatened, so it's easier for her to obsess, and reach out constantly instead of accepting that they could never be, and her love for them wouldn't be lost, and she wouldn't really lose them, she would just be open to receiving love that the universe has actually written for her. Maybe this is just my insight for this author, but grief is a bit tricky, and it's not an easy emotion for everyone to feel, especially when they have had to be strong a lot of the time for everyone and themselves. 

I feel sorry for her.