The Abditory Blog

The quality of being cheerful and full of energy is what makes me who I am. For the longest time, I remember laughing at silly things, and at serious moments. At this stage during quarantine - everyone's trying to look for a reason to live. I don't know mine yet, I don't feel like living anymore. I have been staying at my relative's house for over a year, and I have tried everything to do things right, to be at my best behavior hiding all my emotions from them, to try not having any complaints from them and today no matter whatever my attempts were, they were all useless. Although I tried doing so many things that they like, how much ever support I gave them, how much ever love and respect I had for them, I failed. My aunt told me how superficial I was, I didn't know words can have such power until she used them. I have such high regards for her, I always thought she was such a pure human being, today I don't know what to think. I always end up in this situ...

In most times of our lives, we get this strong feeling with someone, and maybe this feeling is almost always misunderstood. Sometimes it's not our gut feeling, but our mind craving something. I made a lot of mistakes with this short relationship, and I am definitely learning from it. The first time he pulled away I broke up, then went back to him, things were going fine, and then I became clingy. I lost myself as a person, I gave up loving myself for that person. This is exactly what love is not. Love doesn't make you forget yourself or lose yourself for someone else, it brings out the best in you. It helps you love yourself and someone else even more. Today the very thought of us even being together disgusts him. This is where I have subconsciously driven our relationship to be. God has his plan for us, thinking about it this morning, if I wouldn't have jumped into being in a relationship with my ex, maybe I would have had the chance to commit to someone who actuall...

I realized there's too much I. When there's we, 'WE' will win. but, I, I will always lose. Let's get over this together, our father is the pilot of this aircraft. 

I am in love with solitude, not so much that I don't value life itself. I am inspired by everything around me, my eyes are always curious about everything I see and witness, waiting to learn something that I didn't know before. Today my life feels in a vagary, an unpredictable instance, a wandering journey; a whimsical wild or an unusual idea, desire, or action. I was put on unpaid leave a week ago but it seems like I am in a weird uitwaaien, it means to take a break or to clear one's hear, to feel like your walking in the wind. (Sometimes the words I use I am not sure if they are even of English origin) Have you heard of atychiphobia? It's a fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. It is stupid to think about the future or failure because both these things are useless, however sometimes I analyze too much, it's a bad quality and I should stop. I am trying, well I am only human. Today I am a noceur, I stay up late in the nights, get up late in the morn...