The quality of being cheerful and full of energy is what makes me who I am. For the longest time, I remember laughing at silly things, and at serious moments.
At this stage during quarantine - everyone's trying to look for a reason to live. I don't know mine yet, I don't feel like living anymore. I have been staying at my relative's house for over a year, and I have tried everything to do things right, to be at my best behavior hiding all my emotions from them, to try not having any complaints from them and today no matter whatever my attempts were, they were all useless.
Although I tried doing so many things that they like, how much ever support I gave them, how much ever love and respect I had for them, I failed. My aunt told me how superficial I was, I didn't know words can have such power until she used them. I have such high regards for her, I always thought she was such a pure human being, today I don't know what to think. I always end up in this situation where I end up with fights with people I like, I don't know how - I don't know how to fix it. It may be negative influences or maybe they are right I don't put in much effort. I don't know what this life is.
I have been in Quarantine for over 40 days now, and finally, my aunt told me what she really feels for me, it hurt me so much not because of what she said, it's okay in this life there will always be people who don't like you, and that I have understood, it just hurts me that my aunt who I have immense love for the thought of me this way, and all for what? For not doing housework - or not doing those little homely tasks?
I have changed my entire being to be here, somewhere I did want to run away from home, and yes I came for myself, but after I did I tried to help my family out, so they don't stand in need for anyone else, I tried my best to extend my support while also figuring out myself, all my aunt thinks about me is that I wallow in self-pity? Is that really me? No, it's not. I am the last person, yes, of course, I do at times, but I ask who doesn't. If you don't take care of yourself who else will. Every time I think of my sorrows, I always go back to how fortunate I have been, and after all, this, while all my aunt thinks about me, is that I am not genuine, that I am superficial, that I am fake, that I wallow in self-pity, that I am only for self? I feel like screaming, I feel like hurting myself because if not anything I tried to be nice, be good, be happy so they don't have any trouble with me, so they don't face any inconvenience because of me and today when I see my aunt. I don't know what to believe anymore. What she told or how she behaved, and if she really did think all of this about me, why didn't she ever tell me before? She said that she gave a lot of signs for me to leave- and I feel so hurt that I couldn't see or take the obvious signs. I promise to god, I will leave as soon as possible, it's not like I want to stay anywhere where I am not wanted, and why didn't I understand before, that I was never wanted here at all. I still am grateful to them, to introducing me to all the lovely people here, and to give me a new life, and just for this I will fulfill my duties here and leave. I will also always be there, every time checking upon them, but I think my journey here is over, it needs to be.
What Minal did was wrong, to make this matter so big, she has always been trying to find that one opportunity to put me down, I am not sure what I ever did to her. Is this how it's supposed to be? That because they did so much for me, I should repay, and all this while I kept thinking that this is my family. I feel so hurt, all I said on the group was what I felt, yes I use strong words to express myself sometimes. My exact words were probably - "I don't want to stay in this place anymore", "I feel suffocated" and maybe it was wrong to have said it on the group, but I never meant for that to happen, but this is what I felt, how can I change what I feel. It has really been living here for the past month and a half. Yes, this situation is really serious, but I have been asked to take more extra precautions, attend and be a part of all Bahai meetings, without even being asked once if I wanted to. I know I am not a person to listen to anyone, I need to feel free, I need to have a choice, I need to have the feeling to do it, but guess sometimes in life, you're going to be in a prison kind of state from which you'll never be able to get out.
Today I feel like a bird trapped in a cage, and do things for the cage because you need to. Nobody cares if the bird sings beautifully and cheers up the entire house, or is at it's best behavior, everyone only sees what's not done.
Here I go, putting on my happy face, when I am so sad, and waiting for this period of my life to end soon. I 'll try to deal with it differently. I 'll try to let go, I 'll try remembering that god only gives tough situations to his favorite people, I 'll maybe take this as a sign from God, that no Neha, you cannot run from everything, you need to be here and face the situation.
At this stage during quarantine - everyone's trying to look for a reason to live. I don't know mine yet, I don't feel like living anymore. I have been staying at my relative's house for over a year, and I have tried everything to do things right, to be at my best behavior hiding all my emotions from them, to try not having any complaints from them and today no matter whatever my attempts were, they were all useless.
Although I tried doing so many things that they like, how much ever support I gave them, how much ever love and respect I had for them, I failed. My aunt told me how superficial I was, I didn't know words can have such power until she used them. I have such high regards for her, I always thought she was such a pure human being, today I don't know what to think. I always end up in this situation where I end up with fights with people I like, I don't know how - I don't know how to fix it. It may be negative influences or maybe they are right I don't put in much effort. I don't know what this life is.
I have been in Quarantine for over 40 days now, and finally, my aunt told me what she really feels for me, it hurt me so much not because of what she said, it's okay in this life there will always be people who don't like you, and that I have understood, it just hurts me that my aunt who I have immense love for the thought of me this way, and all for what? For not doing housework - or not doing those little homely tasks?
I have changed my entire being to be here, somewhere I did want to run away from home, and yes I came for myself, but after I did I tried to help my family out, so they don't stand in need for anyone else, I tried my best to extend my support while also figuring out myself, all my aunt thinks about me is that I wallow in self-pity? Is that really me? No, it's not. I am the last person, yes, of course, I do at times, but I ask who doesn't. If you don't take care of yourself who else will. Every time I think of my sorrows, I always go back to how fortunate I have been, and after all, this, while all my aunt thinks about me, is that I am not genuine, that I am superficial, that I am fake, that I wallow in self-pity, that I am only for self? I feel like screaming, I feel like hurting myself because if not anything I tried to be nice, be good, be happy so they don't have any trouble with me, so they don't face any inconvenience because of me and today when I see my aunt. I don't know what to believe anymore. What she told or how she behaved, and if she really did think all of this about me, why didn't she ever tell me before? She said that she gave a lot of signs for me to leave- and I feel so hurt that I couldn't see or take the obvious signs. I promise to god, I will leave as soon as possible, it's not like I want to stay anywhere where I am not wanted, and why didn't I understand before, that I was never wanted here at all. I still am grateful to them, to introducing me to all the lovely people here, and to give me a new life, and just for this I will fulfill my duties here and leave. I will also always be there, every time checking upon them, but I think my journey here is over, it needs to be.
What Minal did was wrong, to make this matter so big, she has always been trying to find that one opportunity to put me down, I am not sure what I ever did to her. Is this how it's supposed to be? That because they did so much for me, I should repay, and all this while I kept thinking that this is my family. I feel so hurt, all I said on the group was what I felt, yes I use strong words to express myself sometimes. My exact words were probably - "I don't want to stay in this place anymore", "I feel suffocated" and maybe it was wrong to have said it on the group, but I never meant for that to happen, but this is what I felt, how can I change what I feel. It has really been living here for the past month and a half. Yes, this situation is really serious, but I have been asked to take more extra precautions, attend and be a part of all Bahai meetings, without even being asked once if I wanted to. I know I am not a person to listen to anyone, I need to feel free, I need to have a choice, I need to have the feeling to do it, but guess sometimes in life, you're going to be in a prison kind of state from which you'll never be able to get out.
Today I feel like a bird trapped in a cage, and do things for the cage because you need to. Nobody cares if the bird sings beautifully and cheers up the entire house, or is at it's best behavior, everyone only sees what's not done.
Here I go, putting on my happy face, when I am so sad, and waiting for this period of my life to end soon. I 'll try to deal with it differently. I 'll try to let go, I 'll try remembering that god only gives tough situations to his favorite people, I 'll maybe take this as a sign from God, that no Neha, you cannot run from everything, you need to be here and face the situation.
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