In most times of our lives, we get this strong feeling with someone, and maybe this feeling is almost always misunderstood. Sometimes it's not our gut feeling, but our mind craving something.
I made a lot of mistakes with this short relationship, and I am definitely learning from it. The first time he pulled away I broke up, then went back to him, things were going fine, and then I became clingy. I lost myself as a person, I gave up loving myself for that person. This is exactly what love is not. Love doesn't make you forget yourself or lose yourself for someone else, it brings out the best in you. It helps you love yourself and someone else even more.
Today the very thought of us even being together disgusts him. This is where I have subconsciously driven our relationship to be.
God has his plan for us, thinking about it this morning, if I wouldn't have jumped into being in a relationship with my ex, maybe I would have had the chance to commit to someone who actually understood me, but I am glad things turned out the way they did, or I wouldn't be here and neither would he be in Canada.
We're on our own path now, I don't consider us best friends anymore, because even though he knows and understands me, it's him as a person that has a hard-hearted behavior, or at least chooses to be this way. I don't know how not to speak to him or give him those occasional calls, I guess it'll just take me some time. Sometimes all it takes is some time.
I already don't speak to him too often, he seems too busy for me, and although it hurts me that he doesn't have the time for me, subconsciously I am actually happy. To be honest, I think whatever I did was to push him away from me, I don't think I can adjust with someone who loves habits, good and bad. My thoughts are the last ones to try and make this life into a monotonous drag. I look for new adventures every day, I try to pray for the world, I try to educate and empower myself, I try to build relationships, I try every day to be new and different. Maybe one day I would like to build habits, but I am just not there yet.
I want to write down the negatives in him, only so that I can always look here and think about all the stupidities I am drawn towards and how I think I can make a life out of it.
A tea drinker ( I hate a habituated tea drinker, it's a negative childhood thing for me), A smoker, A person who can't live without making something a habit, An uncaring person, A selfish person, An unattached person, A non-loving person (maybe he'll find someone one day who he'll love with all his heart, at least I hope), A lazy person, A addicted person - addicted to weed, to games, to coding, to his routine, to his lifestyle, An unkempt person - who doesn't put in the effort to look neat or good. That's all I can think of honestly, at the time being.
There are more goods in him and I went on to accept the negatives because when you love a person you need to learn to love everything about them, however even though we put in so much effort it's not worth it, because he or she is not the one.
I thought I could get married, even without knowing the littlest thing about what an actual marriage means, and as I continue to read the quotations every week, I realize I am the farthest away from being ready to marry. I just don't think I 'll be able to give myself up this easy, to adjust, to sacrifice, to leave behind my ways of doing things, to understand all the time, to put in the energy to mold the relationship into what should be, to build more relationships with families, with taking on responsibilities, with crying after fights, and what I do look for right now, is the cuddles and hugs, and love. And to think about how nice would it be to have someone by my side when I achieve something, but am I really ready, I don't think so. The very thought actually scares me, because it feels like I'd be put into a cage and given rules, and ideas I now need to live by.
I just hope that this little lesson I learned, helps me make better decisions in the future.
Today, I am back to being myself, all happy and chirpy. I have a lot of faults in me too, I don't think I am perfect and for the most part, a lot of times, I am selfish and uncaring too, but we're all working on it and that's what matters.
To being a better person, and trying to leave some people behind, we can't be everything to everyone.
So mojo, wherever you are, I hope to see you build into a beautiful person one day, you have the capabilities, and the love for god, but somewhere you took the wrong road, and I am sure, God will help you choose the right path again maybe now, maybe 20 years later. I hope you live your life well.
Until we meet or our paths cross again,
My hardest goodbye.
(Maybe it won't even be, knowing myself)
I made a lot of mistakes with this short relationship, and I am definitely learning from it. The first time he pulled away I broke up, then went back to him, things were going fine, and then I became clingy. I lost myself as a person, I gave up loving myself for that person. This is exactly what love is not. Love doesn't make you forget yourself or lose yourself for someone else, it brings out the best in you. It helps you love yourself and someone else even more.
Today the very thought of us even being together disgusts him. This is where I have subconsciously driven our relationship to be.
God has his plan for us, thinking about it this morning, if I wouldn't have jumped into being in a relationship with my ex, maybe I would have had the chance to commit to someone who actually understood me, but I am glad things turned out the way they did, or I wouldn't be here and neither would he be in Canada.
We're on our own path now, I don't consider us best friends anymore, because even though he knows and understands me, it's him as a person that has a hard-hearted behavior, or at least chooses to be this way. I don't know how not to speak to him or give him those occasional calls, I guess it'll just take me some time. Sometimes all it takes is some time.
I already don't speak to him too often, he seems too busy for me, and although it hurts me that he doesn't have the time for me, subconsciously I am actually happy. To be honest, I think whatever I did was to push him away from me, I don't think I can adjust with someone who loves habits, good and bad. My thoughts are the last ones to try and make this life into a monotonous drag. I look for new adventures every day, I try to pray for the world, I try to educate and empower myself, I try to build relationships, I try every day to be new and different. Maybe one day I would like to build habits, but I am just not there yet.
I want to write down the negatives in him, only so that I can always look here and think about all the stupidities I am drawn towards and how I think I can make a life out of it.
A tea drinker ( I hate a habituated tea drinker, it's a negative childhood thing for me), A smoker, A person who can't live without making something a habit, An uncaring person, A selfish person, An unattached person, A non-loving person (maybe he'll find someone one day who he'll love with all his heart, at least I hope), A lazy person, A addicted person - addicted to weed, to games, to coding, to his routine, to his lifestyle, An unkempt person - who doesn't put in the effort to look neat or good. That's all I can think of honestly, at the time being.
There are more goods in him and I went on to accept the negatives because when you love a person you need to learn to love everything about them, however even though we put in so much effort it's not worth it, because he or she is not the one.
I thought I could get married, even without knowing the littlest thing about what an actual marriage means, and as I continue to read the quotations every week, I realize I am the farthest away from being ready to marry. I just don't think I 'll be able to give myself up this easy, to adjust, to sacrifice, to leave behind my ways of doing things, to understand all the time, to put in the energy to mold the relationship into what should be, to build more relationships with families, with taking on responsibilities, with crying after fights, and what I do look for right now, is the cuddles and hugs, and love. And to think about how nice would it be to have someone by my side when I achieve something, but am I really ready, I don't think so. The very thought actually scares me, because it feels like I'd be put into a cage and given rules, and ideas I now need to live by.
I just hope that this little lesson I learned, helps me make better decisions in the future.
Today, I am back to being myself, all happy and chirpy. I have a lot of faults in me too, I don't think I am perfect and for the most part, a lot of times, I am selfish and uncaring too, but we're all working on it and that's what matters.
To being a better person, and trying to leave some people behind, we can't be everything to everyone.
So mojo, wherever you are, I hope to see you build into a beautiful person one day, you have the capabilities, and the love for god, but somewhere you took the wrong road, and I am sure, God will help you choose the right path again maybe now, maybe 20 years later. I hope you live your life well.
Until we meet or our paths cross again,
My hardest goodbye.
(Maybe it won't even be, knowing myself)
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