The Abditory Blog

When I started out this blog, I was this young energetic soul filled with a perspective of the world that was so beautiful, I almost always looked at everything in a positive light. Not sure if it is a part of adulting or a part of the experiences I have had in the recent few years that have made me forget that version of myself. It's true we have to maintain the mindset we form, we need to cut the stems, analyze what's wrong, if there's too much sunlight in a place or if we are overwatering ourselves.  I feel like a failure, today a sad gloomy part of me is always controlling me, I don't understand what I have to give to the world. Everything seems like a challenge, from hair care, skin care, home care, food meal prep, videography, something that I have been doing for 2 years feels like it has made no real progress because I never took the effort to learn, I rather just sat here trying to figure it out, when everything in life is truly meant to be a system.  I am afrai...

2:59 AM on the clock, unable to sleep, yet trying so hard to do so. It happens to be one of those nights, those first few nights of adjusting to change, a new bed, a new room, silent and high. It's true, the human mind and body are built to adapt. My mind races fast, I can feel my thoughts racing, with every thought, an emotion. There's nowhere to run away until dawn. It's these few hours of nothingness, that makes me wonder if I am even headed in the correct direction? It's a mystery, that does not come with 6 lifelines.   Would it be nicer with someone? Maybe I should be on one of these dating apps, however no matter where I might be, with someone or without, I realize I need to learn how to navigate my state of mind to a place of comfort no matter what the state of circumstance might be.  It gets strangely quiet sometimes isn't it. This is what intrigues me about people travelling alone, how do they live with their thoughts, do they just get used to the fear, do ...

It's been a week of celebrations, some nights longer than the usual, parties and celebrations with people get longer. It's been a month of reflections, somewhere between feeling lost and found, and I feel grounded again. I feel like I need to run before I can fly, I wonder when I'll be ready to leave the ground and spread these enormous wings that I carry over my shoulders right now.  With everything that is happening, I feel very nervous. I know I want to do great things and achieve great things, but right now I feel like a failure and I need someone to help me see more practically and clearly. If me today had to give advice to me from yesterday, who was lost and didn't know what she was going to do I would say that she didn't have to worry so much about choosing a career path, that life was going to take her exactly where she needed to be. That if she just believed in herself more, and put in some time and work in learning and doing things, she would reach the suc...

I have had quite a few crushes's over the last few years, and well I am not going to lie with each crush the butterflies become a bit lesser, but never the less still very existent.  Last evening I went to meet Maximus, now I would like to argue he is more of a friend than I would like him to be a partner because he might be a bit too dreamy for me.  However, he might very well be a reason that I got back to dreaming in my life and also just wanting so much more than just staying in a studio apartment in Dubai. I reconnected with him after our 3 months no-contact period, where I just messaged to ask how he was, I think he was just too needy at that point which is why he pushed to meet.  Quite a few conversations later, we ended up meeting at a movie with Rohan, quite a weird mix of people I'd say, however it was so different than I had always seen him to be. He was so caring, so dominant, so strong. You're right I am so wildly attracted, but not from my head, because in m...

21st April 2022, after taking almost the 50th video of her crying for the very same reason she drinks a sip of water. She looks at her old photos, her younger self from Snapchat, and feels absolute sympathy and empathy for that person. While typing this blog her tears roll out, she feels guilty for not being there, for not understanding, for being unkind to herself throughout, for being angry. She had all the reasons to be.  She's been all over the place this past week, her routine messed up, her sleep schedule in a dilly dally, her exhausted self trying to build the blocks that are going to get her away from here almost like on a magic carpet, like a dream. She is trying, but she feels so lost, un-guided, she listens to a prayer song on youtube,  "Oh my God!  There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God.  My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love.  I solemnly declare that my life an...

As time goes by, we tend to forget the numerous moments that formed up our lives just like atoms, to describe it to the dot.  Many people form happy memories. Lying flat on the bed, listening to my mum and sister talk about dinner, I look through some old photos from college that I don't recall on a normal day at all. It's beautiful the many uncountable tiny moments you don't expect, but that come up while looking through a few photographs.  Are hormones uncontrollable?  It's 16th October 2021. Khana hai Nitin? Guddi Bhabhi asks. Everyone is seated at the table. I feel comfortable sitting at the brown sofa. I feel very sad. I feel directionless. I feel super lost and super sad. I am back again at not knowing what to do. I don't know if God exists anymore. Because for my entire life I have kept trying to think I am special. Kept trying to think positive but I am finally over all of this. Life sucks. I am at such a saturation point right now. I just want to rant. I ha...

"I don't want this anymore, I am not sure if I want to continue to see each other". Tears rolled down her eyes, she was so tired of it all not working out. For over 2 years she kept trying, trying to find the one, trying to persevere, not give up. Her 3 weeks trip to India made her feel all the love she needed, maybe she was a bit lonely, maybe she was looking for support. Sometimes it's good to have that, it can make all the difference. I feel bad for her.  We make our own destiny, at least that's what she believed. Whenever the decision would be taken by another person, it would leave her devastated, there would be nothing she could do about it. The choice wasn't hers, the decision wasn't hers. No amount of persevering would work.  I would be angry with God too if I was in her shoes. It is unfair, and it is sad. Life has been playing with her since the beginning esp with emotions and close ones. Maybe that's her fate, to not be able to have any love....