The Abditory Blog

I have been living alone for almost a year now. I want to believe I am doing okay - but the fact remains, I have been very unorganized and I need to work a lot to reach where I need to. I have become obsessive in checking what everyone is doing esp Mido and Milli. I can't believe I am attached to them when I spent hardly a few hours with each. What's with me is that I can't let them go. Why do I get so attached to people with who I think I see a future with. Why do I crave a relationship so bad?  I fall for people who are independent and trying to reach goals in their lives, but this also ends up meaning that they do not have time for me. Am I crazy? I def am becoming crazy. How do I stop feeling lonely, I want to feel loved. I want to feel wanted, is there no one to help me?  I am trying to pray, I can't stay focused, maybe I need to go to India. Maybe I just need to sleep. I feel energetic on some days and some days I feel like shit. I am not sure what I could do, I w...

Rohan. I am afraid this is going to be a long letter, it's also good I am typing it and not writing it (haha). It might come off as rather theatrical, enjoy.  Whenever I come across a difficult situation in my life, I always try to think of it from 15 years ahead, thinking about how the situation then would rather just be a matter of the past and some laughs at our stupid, insecure, and rather crazy younger selves. It's funny the irony however because the sum of cumulative situations we have are relatively what characterizes our persona of the now, so it's a discussion of what situations and what events we let change our character for the good or for the bad.  It's all in the mind right?  We are enmeshed deeply by higher powers, we, I mean, you and I. I say this because all the events in our lives from 2015 have been so well linked. I hope I am stating the correct years, for, just like you I am bad with timelines, and memory. Memory being the most tricky, some subconsci...

 May 22nd, 2021 The silence in this room scares me. Nobody around me feels like a jail. Life itself is scary. Feels kind of unsafe everything. Fear has so many layers, it makes us do so many things. Fear of animals, of losing your job, of losing your close ones, fear of being in a justice system with so much politics and corruption. Fear of meeting crazy people. How does one really let go of this fear and insecurity, it's through faith. This is I think the only way we can actually see a way out.  They pressed criminal charges against me and threatened our lives because big money was involved. We are all very different, each one scared in their own way, there's a lot of injustice in the world. It's very chaotic. Maybe the crimes take place because most of the world operates on fear and not on faith. It's sad but maybe this is the truth. Love & trust in God is the only way our fears will die. For no one know what can happen the next moment. We might be in a situation ...

2021 - Dubai, almost 23 years. Is this a long enough time to understand life? Is it a good enough time to develop yourself and understand yourself? Do you remember every detail of your life? Does your brain even store this information? Can you control your emotions, do you know when you're going to feel bad, I mean it's a long enough time to figure this outright? Weird they seem easy to figure out, just start thinking and writing and noting down points? Seems like we're a bit lost here. How many more years do you need, 25 years more. There's still a lot left to explore and be exposed to. Get out of the country get exposed, maybe it'll help you realize your potential, they said.  The truth is the potential lies within you, your determination to learn and expose yourself.  The world is your oyster, and I want to search for the diamonds and the pearls, and see what are the different ways people actually make money or even enjoy life because there are so many different ...

In the happiest of moments, when it feels like a rush of joy flushing through your body. Nothing can stop you now, everything seems doable, everything seems to be okay, you're laughing, everything should be okay. At this very moment, the heart starts beating more heavily, suddenly you're unable to breathe, the distressing, painful memories suddenly start to surface up, now you're forcefully stuck in a loop of thoughts relating to the memory. Trying to justify or look for answers of the incident.  A loud sound of a blast suddenly echos in his ear for years together, in a moment, his entire world is now different, there's nothing you can do, it was meant to happen, everyone said, its gods will. There's no way to describe the pain.  Dark and unknown in the midst of the tall green trees, trapped, losing life by the side of her loved one, unable to do anything, screaming for help. Eyes like a bowl of unending tears. What if we took a different route, what if I wasn't...

Verklempt - Completely overwhelm with emotion A tiny bubble, a tiny square glass bubble. A thousand viewers from the outside, they see it nice and shining. Only one can be in it, and lead the way in it. What does it mean to be lonely, or feel lonely? Weirdly we're actually always alone, we just keep ourselves distracted by people, our mind tricks us into believing we have others in the bubble. It's an unthinkable process, the parallel lives that people live, how clouds move that define time. Isn't it beautiful the life we live?  Our brain works with time, evolving, trying to understand, analyze and comprehend this life of ours. The levels keep getting harder. Our mind trying to comprehend way more than we think.  Let's get a bit personal. Lately, I have been getting very anxious when I get more than some time alone with myself. I start to get restless. I am very conflicted and lost. I don't know who to speak to? A friend maybe, I am not sure. Does everyone feel the ...

An overwhelming feeling emerges as you have to let go of something you don't want to let go. A heartache that you can feel on the outside, and the sudden realization that you are not going to able to be happy by yourself.  Everything good has to come to an end, isn't there a quote like this in the bible. A  proverb that means nothing lasts forever,  all things  and situations are temporary, or happiness is fleeting. What does it really mean when relationships come to a standstill when you aren't able to accept the very fact that the situation that arose cannot be.  Controlling, that's what I'd like to describe myself as. Wanting everything to be a certain way, and when it doesn't and uncertainty hits, it all comes tumbling and trembling down. Why in life are we not able to give somethings up, why do we keep telling God what we deserve, and how we want life to be. Not satisfied, would be the rating, I would give to God's service right now. (* laughing*)  Tea...