When you first came on June 9th 2023, to surprise me, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was waiting for someone who saw me, for me. Chaotic, very frank, could often be mistaken for rude, too caring and emotional, hyper sensitive, late everywhere, alive, full of ideas, the justice advocate, trying to understand her self amidst the situations life had put her in.
You on the other hand, patient, quiet, hardworking, so romantic, kind, caring, absolutely comfortable, my safe space, generous, creative (esp with the fun date nights, even on long distance phone calls), adaptable to almost every plan, so innocent, and raw, handsome, your chest was my fav place to rest on, I am sitting here in Yerevan, time 11:43 AM right after our morning call, recalling these details, and honestly I think distance does make the heart grow fonder and in this case, reliving those memories, makes me a bit sad and also happy to know that I had you in my life.
It's no surprise that I feel strongly attracted to you right now, I am still in love with you. This is not a letter to force anything between us that isn't meant to be, but I think the love was never lost in any of the past weeks, but just a lack of understanding that led to the different situations we ended up in. Only love can hurt so much I guess, it has the power to make you feel absolutely on top of the world, and punch the living guts out of your body, I feel both at the same time.
When I am with you I feel okay, but you know in reflection when I look back, I made so many mistakes, my illusion or imaginary life took over, and my expectations always rose, whether it was the sweetest valentines set up or a planned date night, I felt the need to voice out my expectations, and when I look back, I am ashamed, I made someone who I love more than anything in the world, feel that way. I took you for granted, and I don't think I blame my mental space for it all, and I am sorry but I don't think you deserved any of it. We might be the right people, but maybe it wasn't the right time, or I am just saying that to convince myself..
The latter part of the story obviously reflects on missed compassion and understanding each other... I feel damaged and broken, and incapable of love... I feel vulnerable, and I am drowning, and I am trying to act like I have it all taken care of, and sometimes not, but the loss of close relationships, or maybe me pushing away people is affecting me deeply, and I don't know how to cope, I am trying really hard.
Anyway... thank you for being there, even through this...and that just says things about you vs me. I am not sure why my brain is this way, or why I find things to be so tough, and I feel like the whole world is constantly attacking me...I am not trying to be a victim here, I am constantly trying to rise above this, in my rude, angry sort of way I guess.
I could go on, but I don't think it's right for me to drag you in this... and I think you don't want this anymore, and I feel like I might be pulling you more in this with me, so I am thankful to have known you for the past years, and with an absolute heavy heart, I think you need to stop entertaining me, and let me be, and this is the only way we can maybe be friends a little later, and I am not strong enough to do that... and maybe you can.
Happy last anniversary my co.
Goodbye,
Neha
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