Rohan. I am afraid this is going to be a long letter, it's also good I am typing it and not writing it (haha). It might come off as rather theatrical, enjoy.
Whenever I come across a difficult situation in my life, I always try to think of it from 15 years ahead, thinking about how the situation then would rather just be a matter of the past and some laughs at our stupid, insecure, and rather crazy younger selves. It's funny the irony however because the sum of cumulative situations we have are relatively what characterizes our persona of the now, so it's a discussion of what situations and what events we let change our character for the good or for the bad.
It's all in the mind right?
We are enmeshed deeply by higher powers, we, I mean, you and I. I say this because all the events in our lives from 2015 have been so well linked. I hope I am stating the correct years, for, just like you I am bad with timelines, and memory. Memory being the most tricky, some subconsciously are chosen to stay and some forgotten unconsciously. There was a rush of synchronized energies between us from the first day I met you, you had an unknown vivacity that seemed to draw me towards you, like a Caterpillar drawn towards a passion vine. How did we suddenly seem to connect like that?
How did 'I' suddenly seem to connect like that? It still is the most different and special relationship I have had with another creature here on this planet. It was exciting, it was raw, it was fresh, and most importantly it added a beautiful perspective towards my journey. You made me feel as though I could do anything I wanted to. You made me feel understood and you had a way with words that would make me sway and question every decision I made for the better.
Where I was during those adolescent years, it felt very bleak but it felt like I was being guided by a spirit so kind, so loving, so humble yet firm. Just like you, I too share a rather complex childhood, I am glad I had that, as it taught me to survive through adverse conditions, and made me learn to value a lot of things, however, I only fully understood the emotional impacts of a survived childhood in the adversities this country brought to me along with its many fortunes.
I feel humbled upon that you are able to move forward so progressively still wanting to incorporate pieces from the uncomfortable past in your journey ahead. I have always and will always admire your pursuit of living life.
It's really not easy to put my feelings into words, as a part of me is impaired to an extent that has left me still figuring out how to mend, while I would like to believe I had no bad intentions, it seems to be me that I have been understood very differently. As in a fairy tale, how I wish I could rewind back the times, but I rather not, as these times have brought me learning that is far beyond any adventure I could have asked for.
It seems that we were all stuck in the turbulent winds of the summed up past affairs and years-long of waiting, and the prison of our minds captured us with such ease. I personally find it difficult to fight the prison guards as it brings up so many uncalled memories to have to be dealt with. I beg to be understood, but this is just a part of the process, the people today call it good communication skills, indeed we have yet a lot to learn.
I wish for our hearts just like still water to be clear and not be afraid to speak out emotions, say the things rather than wishing for them to be understood, space if it was needed to be just once asked for. The damages that we naught know of can build to become a wreck in the future, we need to learn and we need to swim, but let's not create a wave that can encompass everything with it.
I apologize for the damages done, and I am happy to see the wings of love and understanding rise, for it feels like it's been a long time in these unasked but almost foreseen winds. I want to bring back the warmth, the fondness in my heart but unfortunately, the warriors who were fighting the prison guards are now in a pledge to protect me, my insecurities are now who I need to fight.
I still hold you close to my heart, but you are behind the fences that I don't want to break. It's very uncanny the situation, a ton of conflict through my mind but it just feels like I lost the spirit I once thought I was guided by.
The love still flows abundantly as it always did, but with distance in place now. I need to nourish this impoverished mind with time and the crystals of healing need to work to help me once again find someone I need to be guided by.
Comments
Post a Comment