Pause

The world pauses as our thoughts run vary about the things that we think about and that are actually unimportant. There are so many instances where we connect with people, and when they stop showing their love, we become a little insecure. Why do we as humans need and want love and why do we crave that constant attention, is it that we are not content or satisfied with ourselves? 

I wonder how we can be so dependant on love. For 1 and a half years I have lived with my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle, the love and affection they show me is completely out of the world. Today after all the things that have happened, I feel different when I suddenly am treated like an outsider, when this was always the norm anyway. 

I guess we try so hard to maintain our blood relationships with so much effort that in the end it's exhausting and just feels as though we are doing it because we have to. I feel sometimes like I don't belong here, I don't like when I don't feel the connection with the hearts, when people become conscious when they speak around me, or there's too much formality. I do sometimes like showing my respect in certain ways but that's me, however, it just ends up being so formal, how do I normalize this. I don't know. 

I feel like running away from this world, my heart feels heavy and I feel stuck. See! This feeling of stuck was mental, I always knew it. I have been vomiting since 2-3 months now in the mornings, and in the recent past my condition has worsened, suddenly it feels like my life is back into the turmoil it came out from. I had saved up so much, and now there isn't anything left, everything is gone into different expenses.

I want to detach. I want to try and not be attached to anything and anyone. I don't want to give anyone the power to control my feelings. I want to be free of my own mental issues. Well, issues seem like a huge word, but I don't know which other words would be better. 

I guess, each one feels connected with people differently, and everyone craves for love, and it's okay to feel jealous or insecure to see people share the bond you wish to have. I can't be everywhere, and people need to have their lives secure and in place with their loved ones, after all your immediate family is the one your always closest too. 

Intentionally or unintentionally maybe I made a few mistakes over the past two years while I have been here, I am glad things are becoming clearer. While I got up in 'Rohans room' (like it has always been) it felt home like it has been for a while, but as the morning went by, I realised we cannot invade people's privacy too much, while I was younger I never thought about it, what is invading privacy I felt, you just live between people you love. 

Life teaches you personalized lessons to be learnt, and I am learning things I would never have if I wasn't here. 

Maybe I went through what I had to because there'll be many more people like me that I'd need to help. 

Have you ever felt like your lost, but your life actually seems to go in the right direction in terms of the normal expected norms?