Loneliness.

My thoughts are so cluttered, with a lot of things and a lot of different analysis going on. From the past few months, I don't know what I have been feeling, it's like I forgot how to feel. It's like I am just living. On my trip to Rishikesh, I was just living. In my days here I laugh, sometimes even a lot, I feel overwhelmed with all the love that I receive from people. Some days are just sad, I have been wanting to be alone a lot lately, in the recent few months, I have spoken to more people on the phone than I connected with over here.

I repeat the same stories to 10 different people, explaining to them how I feel when in reality I don't even know how I feel. My hair is thinning, my mood is becoming more unstable. I have been wanting to write for a while, and I keep postponing that as well. However when it comes to a point where I need to feel - I am more numb than anything, happiness just an outer shell, sadness, and outer shell and the overwhelming feeling too.

I kept feeling an empty void inside me like something was missing. Me. I was missing. Lost in the world. Lost in the multitude of waves that kept me only at shore but always underwater. The stepmom inside me keeps controlling me. Neglecting me the simple joys, the simple joy of shopping, eating something fancy, having a good time with my friends, getting something I want.

I keep checking my phone. I keep trying to connect with people, post stories and posts so people could connect with this lonely soul so that someone can remember me and message me, and all this while I have been lonely and covering it with social media. Even when I am with people, I am lonely, even when I am with friends, and family I am lonely. What is missing out in my life you might ask, nothing, I have had more people love and care for me over here than anywhere and yet I feel empty.

Today speaking to gautu mama, I realized, I need to be here. Stop trying to connect with people living far far away, but really be in the moment. Be here. I realized my need to try and connect with people back home was because I miss them. I keep telling my self I don't because I am a strong person who can lead her own life, but in all reality, I miss them immensely. Everyone, which is why I keep making this effort to speak to them, keep trying to call them, keep dying in commitments made to myself.

I want to tell myself starting today, and try to make a conscious effort about this. I miss everyone, I miss my mom, my sister, my friends, my college, my school friends, my life in Chennai. I loved home, with all its imperfections, but it's time to let go. It's time to embrace my life here. To live a little, to go out with my colleagues. To have fun on a Thursday night. To try and meet people, to make an effort to meet people here, because it's important to stay in the present and where you are rather than trying to be somewhere you aren't.

I love myself. I will try to understand myself. I am sitting here trying to force myself to cry. I think it'll take me some time. You might think I am crazy, but when you end up feeling nothing, you'd know.


Have you ever felt love and faith be the strongest in your life, but you still also feel nothing?

It's a pretty straightforward question to think about know?